As we await
with puzzled amusement President Øbama’s post-Martha’s-Vineyard “Jobs Speech” — aimed at the unfortunate rabble who can’t afford such extravagances — Fester thought it might be useful to ponder the White House’s previous promises, predictions, and preposterous puffery. Luckily, Reuters recently made this task very easy in its FACTBOX feature.
Fester’s attempt to summarize the Reuters article comes after the jump.
Now, to truly understand this summary, you’ll have to forget that the White House is experiencing internal dissonance about whether it can create jobs in the first place. With that giant white elephant out of the way, Fester humbly offers this brief taste of history:
- When Obama signed the hallucinogenically named “stimulus” bill in February 2009, he predicted it would “save or create” 3.5 million jobs — and lectured us that unemployment would hit Double-Digit Levels without it. Shockingly, projects such as getting monkeys stoned on cocaine and promoting cowboy poetry had no salutary effects on the economy. In fact, the unemployment rate rose from 7.8% to 8.9% in the span of two months.
- So Obama did what any rational statesman would do — he doubled the hell down, that’s what he did! In a speech at Georgetown U., he basically told everyone to cut him a freaking break, brah. He claimed that the stimulus had reduced taxes for 95% of working families (a type of family that was in danger of disappearing). Then, for some reason (dope?), he decided to tell auto makers they needed to use greener technology. Incredibly, this titanic strategy failed to pay off — by October 2010, unemployment hit Double-Digit Levels of 10.1%. (Coincidentally, green-tech cars haven’t done so hot either.)
- Ah, but in November 2009, the winds of change finally swept in to lift Obama’s angelic wings. The nation partied hard, broheim as unemployment fell a staggering two-tenths of a percent to 9.9%. Obama took full credit for this astounding achievement. Feeling vindicated, he tripled down in December and
showedclaimed he’d “saved or created” 1.6 million jobs already. Sadly, euphoria got the best of him; he veered off-topic again and mumbled something about “clean energy jobs.”
- Still, now things were really turning around! Obama’s December speech had a huge effect. By January, lots of people had stopped looking for work — which was totally excellent news because it caused the unemployment rate to drop from 9.9% to 9.7%. Sensing he had the hot hand, Obama triple-dogged down and again prattled on about those sweet-ass clean-energy jobs.
- In January 2010, Obama gave his State-of-the-Union Address. Riding on a wave of astounding success, he outlined a buttload of cushy new programs — courtesy of your Federal Family — that would surely help a million businesses hire more employees. Then he blamed all his troubles on Bush.
- By September 2010, unemployment had dropped precipitously from 9.7% to … 9.6%. (Yeah baby, who’s your daddy now?) Sadly, however, Obama’s “green jobs czar” had to resign after being exposed as a clown and a communist — boding ill for Obama’s freaking magnificent clean-energy-jobs dream. But we digress. At an unintentionally ironic Labor Day rally, Obama outlined a new plan to spend $50 billion on road construction. Two months later, the Republicans steamrolled him in the 2010 elections.
- Last month, during the hilariously ill-conceived bus tour of flyover country, Obama promised to thrust good cheer upon rural businesses with a $350 million infusion for job-search and training programs. Yet for some reason, his promises to rain money on the heartland’s business landscape did not do the trick. As we now know, the country added ZERO jobs in August. Skunked again!
(Read entire Reuters article here.)
So there you have it. President Obama “inherited” a 7.1% unemployment rate, drove it up past 10%, and currently presides over a 9.1% unemployment rate with no relief in sight, after crapping money from every Federal orifice for almost three years. Hope and Change™ — just words? Yup, pretty damn much.
He’s a politician — and as it turns out, not a very good one. Adjust your expectations accordingly.