SpongeBob Makes Better Warriors

Lately, it’s sucked to be SpongeBob Squarepants.  First, the press reported that he’d ruin your children’s minds.  Then — surely because of those reports — some women attacked him in effigy.

caillou-300x289

Idiot.

But it now seems clear that society has targeted the wrong adorable cartoon character. New Scientist offers a new analysis showing that SpongeBob is not the insidious mind-wrecker he was accused of being.  Not at all.

Rather, it seems that the MSM has committed journalistic malpractice (a-gain) by misreporting on the recent research concerning Bob’s effect on children.  And in their typical blame-America-first fashion, they have wrongly maligned a cultural giant while elevating a foreigner:

The Los Angeles Times and Bloomberg have taken [the research] to mean that a zany show like SpongeBob essentially makes kids dumb, whereas a show like Caillou – created by child developmental psychologists – boosts brainpower – but that’s not what the study concludes at all.

(Emphasis Fester’s.)  To compound the problem, layers of editorial oversight (see what I did there?) missed the real story:  SpongeBob Squarepants is like brain exercise in a bottle:

In contrast [to Caillou], SpongeBob swiftly soaks up the viewer’s pool of attention. Kids watching SpongeBob must devote a lot of cognitive resources just to keep track of what’s happening on screen, whereas Caillou offers viewers much more time to process events in the narrative. So the toddlers who had watched SpongeBob probably did not have as much attention to devote to the executive-function tests as the toddlers who had watched Caillou.

(Read the whole story here.)

Here’s Fester’s take on all this:  SpongeBob is like combat training.  If you have to stop to think in this fast-paced world, you’re dead.  But the all-American SpongeBob Squarepants will train you to react.  You’ll survive, man.  Caillou, meanwhile, is a Canadian show designed specifically for lazy little jerks who properly reside at the bottom of the food chain.  It’s all, “Oh, I need more time to process events in the narrative.  Don’t rush me.  I can’t handle the freaking truth and my diaper is full!”  Twits.

When the bullets start flying, which toddler do I want in my foxhole?  Some emotional little putz who has to ponder the significance of the situation?  Or a highly-trained ninja –practiced in the art of rapid-fire scene changes — who will join me in kicking some serious communist booty?  Such questions answer themselves.

Anyway, it’s Caillou we need to be grinding into the dirt.

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2 Responses to SpongeBob Makes Better Warriors

  1. txaggie94 says:

    Fester, are you afraid of putting this in layman’s terms? Caillou is a pansy. SpongeBob is brave and knows ka-ra-te.

    End of story.

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  2. PennyThawtz says:

    Caillou is also on Canadian healthcare. That should explain a lot.

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