This weekend, the usual bunch of ne’er-do-wells once again failed to teach the world to sing (probably because they smoke too much weed). Apparently unable to take control of their own finances — and in search of some serious munchies — “hundreds” of smelly, inebriated social misfits decided they’d have a go at shutting down Wall Street. Because, you know, if everyone can’t be wealthy, no one can.
One big problem, though. As the NY Times reports, they planned their little anti-commercial offensive for Saturday, which no es bueno:
For months the protesters had planned to descend on Wall Street on a Saturday and occupy parts of it as an expression of anger over a financial system that they say favors the rich and powerful at the expense of ordinary citizens.
As it turned out, the demonstrators found much of their target off limits on Saturday as the city shut down sections of Wall Street near the New York Stock Exchange and Federal Hall well before their arrival.
(Emphasis added. Read the rest here.)
Ha ha, these mental giants planned their killer super-idiotic protest for months, and it never dawned on them that the major exchanges would be closed on their big day and it’d be pretty easy to make them go away. This begs a question: If they know so little about the financial system they claim to despise, why should anyone entertain their silly grievances?
But aggrieved they were, and very serious, too. They spent the entire day being all strategic and tactical, maneuvering to finally get in place for the big climax. And the payoff was sweet indeed:
As a chilly darkness descended, a few hundred people realized one of the day’s objectives by setting foot onto Wall Street after a quick march through winding streets, trailed by police scooters.
At William Street, they were blocked from proceeding toward the stock exchange, and the march ended in front of a Greek Revival building housing Cipriani Wall Street. Patrons on a second-floor balcony peered down.
As some of the patrons laughed and raised drinks, the protesters responded by pointing at them and chanting “pay your share.”
How pathetic is this? Laughably pathetic. Ridiculously pathetic. Embarrassingly pathetic. Not only are these folks incapable of planning a good protest, they can’t muster more than a few hundred people in America’s largest city. And they were so fearsome that the NYPD followed them on scooters while bar patrons laughed at them. Not very impressive.
Perhaps they should go back to what they do best:
Something is afoot in Vancouver. NBC reports that a severed human foot has been discovered on the shore near British Columbia’s largest city. But get this. The most recent incident is not the sole discovery of a partitioned pedis in the waters of Vancouver. Actually, it may be the twelfth such discovery in the last four years.
The authorities are itching to nail the perp — but the other shoe may never drop because these feet apparently fell off all by themselves.
In prior cases, police said the feet appeared to have come off bodies naturally and that foul play was not suspected. Police so far have no theories about how or why the foot ended up in the water, and The Canadian Press said the British Columbia Coroners Service is involved in the investigation.
Read the rest.
At the risk of sounding callous: Seriously, you heels? Twelve disembodied feet and no one suspects anything? Perhaps someone has a serious case of athlete’s foot, or maybe leprosy abounds in America’s Hat. That would be toe-tally gnarly.
Surely this curious case has a solution (or at least an ointment of some kind). Please help the good people of Vancouver and leave your theories in the comments. But please — nothing corny, okay? That’s Fester’s job.]]>